Rain and cleansing

Good day all my friends and family!!!

I have not blogged in a while and I apologize for anyone following and interested.
I have been processing a lot in ohh the last 6 months and sometimes I feel inclined to withdraw and go within.

Today is the first day it rained in a long time.. I find it very interesting that I wake up to the cleansing rain today of all days.

I will update you..

I had been still going the holistic route but seemed to have slacked a bit if you will.  I found it very difficult to stay on the natural healing train without being surrounded closely by a support team of oh say a team of people who decided to reverse their cancer naturally. I know they are out there but I have not seeked them out too much. I do want to say my family and friends are wonderful and I am NOT saying they have not been supportive... But what I am saying is different..  To do something like this and to feel alone in the process does not make things easy.  Again when I say alone I dont mean void of contact with fam and friends...
I am a mother right now which means I cannot just go to some holistic healing center in California and forget my "other" life.. Grace is 4- she doesnt understand Cancer..she just knows I am her momma and I have to be there for her no matter what.. So finding the balance between all that I am doing can be daunting at times.. Dont get me wrong. Its also been wonderful up to this point also..

Ok so moving on..

Had a Pet Scan Monday.. That worst part was getting poked like 4 times so they could find a good vein.. ugh.. and not having eaten for 5 or so hours.. :(
I tried to convince the Radiologist to let me see the scan after but no such luck.. Just was curious I guess.

During the actual scan.. I found myself very close to God and doing a lot of praying.. I didnt necessarily think that would change the results but it was something that comforted me and brought me peace.
The reality of the cancer became pretty obvious. When I say that I mean I spent the first 5 months with my nose burried in the books and on the internet researching.  I did that so much that I wasnt applying all of the wonderful things I was learning.  I think it was also a little denial..just a little though :)

Wednesday the 19th was my birthday in case  ya'll did not get the memo :)
It was an ok birthday..Cary was out of town and I was about to find out if anything I was doing did any good the following day... ugh ..talk about nerves....

So Thursday arrived.. My awesome friend Jennifer said she would come with me to the appointment with the oncologist which meant so much to me. I did not think I could face that day by myself..  The unknown was making me insane.

TRUST TRUST TRUST IN GOD .. I  kept thinking..Trust in his plan for you!!!! 
If anyone has tried to do that...you will know its not that easy..> Letting go and having Faith that something bigger has taken the wheel requires a lot of strength and well ..letting go :)

We got in the room to wait.. I got a copy of the radiology report before the doc came in the room..This was a good thing because Jennifer used to be a medical transcriber for an Oncologist so she could read the language.

So the low down is this...
The tumor is 2cm bigger than it was 6 months ago. There is some activity on the ovary but they are not sure if it is cancerous or not until and if I choose a hysterctomy.  That is recommended along with chemo and radiation.
As I sat there I listened as openly as I could.. Jennifer told me to just be an observerer...like I am on raft and just watching things...not to react or feel just listen...That I could process after the fact.
Good advise I thought..and boy am I blessed to have her in my life!

So I listened and talked of course.. I left there feeling like.."hey I am ok..I did it.. I made it and it wasnt that bad"...
I also felt drained as the day went on..The nervousness just exhausted me in the long run...I felt spacey..
I went to bed last night feeling surrounded by angels and God.. I have been lucky enough to spend a lot of time just being still that I feel these wonderful things.. A feeling of "everything is going be ok" washes over me.
 I get this feeling a lot these days by the way :)

So I woke up today knowing something is different.. I feel like a new part of my journey begins.

I am now faced with the choice once again.. do I do more of the holistic route...and maybe seek out women who have done this - surround myself with support of people going through this..... or do I go the conventional route integrated with the alternative route..Ahhh most of you might be thinking the integrative route...Here is the hard part for me on that..
For 6 months I have convinced myself (or researched the facts rather) that Radiation and Chemo are poison..That they damage the bad cells and the good..That they cause damage that is sometimes irreversible...  It is difficult to imagine changing my mind on that...It really really is...
So here is what I decided I need to do... I am going to ask God to help give me a sign as to which I should do.
In the meantime.. I am coming to Ohio next week.. I am going to enjoy my family and friends and just BE.

I also spoke to my Chinese Medicine doctor (who is a Eastern and Western doc for 30 years..and has studied and researched cancer cells, genes etc.. - he is the one I get the black mushroom pill from).  It was difficult to talk to him on the phone with broken English but something was telling me I needed to call him, even though it was 6pm..
He is going to take a look at my scan and the pathology reports.. with him being Chinese and following mostly Chinese medicine theories..he believes that surgery like a hysterctomy is not a good thing..it disrupts the flow of the yin yang and a lot of other things.. I believe this too..  So I am going to meet him either today or Monday.

Facing something like cancer is not an easy thing but I have learned to find the blessings in the situation.. and there are many.. I know someday I will be helping other women going through this..I know I will be stronger because of this.. I know I will have a better definition of who I am.. I know I will have discovered that life doesnt need to be hell on earth but heaven around every corner..  I know that no matter how alone I am  really NEVER alone..Spirit follows me and lifts me up when I need it.. My friend told me that God gently lifts you up and sets up down when you are ready to really face the situation. This is what has happened to me up until this point.  I was not quite ready to see the situtation as it really was until now.
With that support from above I am stronger...eyes more open and more appreciative of all things.
My faith gets stronger each day.. The place I was in the last time I wrote on here is so different than right now.
So as you read..you are witnessing a change.. like a Butterfly... ahh I always did love Butterflies :)

Til next time (maybe I wont wait so long next time )
Peace and Love!!!!
Andrea