Dancing Queen

Happy Birthday to me.. Happy Birthday to me! Is that self indulgent that I am singing to myself?? LOl I dont care if it is.. It was a Happy birthday but an introspective and reflective one as well. Birthdays started to get a little bla as I got older.. I was like WOW Birthdays are supposed to be fun and celebratory but they never were for me.. Then there was this year..which was very different than any other.
If I am being honest...I might not be here for this birthday if God had not healed me.
This birthday..all I wanted to do was be surrounded by some good friends and dance!
Yes you heard me Dance!!! The last time I did that was in Atlanta like a year ago?
That is wayyyyy too long ago!!!
37 years ago I was born... not knowing (or did I) that I would end up getting cancer one day.. Not knowing I would be blessed with a beautiful family.. an amazing husband and child. Not knowing I would be literally transformed and reborn on my 37th birthday.
Mom Grace and I went to Olive Garden for my birthday. We got a little and yummy cake with one candle. I posted a pic n fb of me blowing out the one candle... someone commented jokingly that I was missing a bunch of candles.. after I laughed I thought well not really.. I do feel like its almost my first birthday all over again.
I have been given a second chance to make this life the way God intended it for me.
To stop sleep walking through life.. to Follow my heart-
Its a beautiful sunny day- I am going to enjoy it!!
Love and light to everyone reading!!!!!

Gotta have Faith

On this rainy spring day the word Faith is resonating in my heart and mind.
I am reflecting on how the definition of this overused and misunderstood word has changed for me in the last few years. When I was first diagnosed with cervical cancer in November of 09, I really was not aknowledging that God/my creator/Spirit (whatever name you give) was doing the healing..not me!!! I thought ..."hey these other people can heal themselves with alternative means..why not ME??:

All throughout treatments,surgery recovery etc.. I felt as if God was indeed holding me ..carrying me gently through the dark times. I have a flameless battery operated candle that my mother got me from the Christian store. It has on there a quote from the Footprints poem.
" When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you".
I had that candle "lit" the entire duration I was at the Clinic for surgery in Feb.
It was my visual reminder that God was with me (and my angels and guides).
Before all of these challenges, I had my doubts like most of you that something so invisible could feel so real and so amazing.

Here I sit May 14, 2011- stronger physically,stronger spiritually and mentally.
I take no day for granted.. knowing wow I overcame some pretty hard stuff. If God did not cradle me through it... It would have been so much harder. It makes me wonder how many patients going through cancer lean on this Faith.

So I started praying a lot after even.. and thanking God for my health and marriage as if it were already whole healthy and happy.
One day something changed in my house. I do not know specifically if it was ME just feeling better (so my energy started changing for the better-which affected my relationships) or was it God rewarding me for having Faith and just KNOWING miracles would await me.
Yesterday I had some program on a local tv station that was for young kids talking about bible stories. This one was about Abraham. God rewarded him so many great things once he truly believed in God (had Faith). This story resonated in my heart. It was my sign I think (those of you who really know me..know I am always looking for symbolism and synchronicities in events) that it is God.. :)
By the way..God for me is really in all things. I do not picture a big man on a chair up in Heaven..instead it is more energy based...seen in mother nature,the love in peoples hearts etc.. Its just more all encompassing for me.
It is such a great feeling finally to have a little more energy, be painfree and truly grateful in my heart.
I am feeilng pretty strongly it is my time to pay it forward in someway for all of the generosity that has come my way over the past few years.
I am so humbled by how beautifully supportive everyone has been.
Even those that have not really been close to me (maybe the whole cancer thing makes people uncomfortable and thats ok)- still have sent their love and I have felt it.
I am glad to be back in Cleveland and feeling good just in time for the great weather... Even the cleansing rain :)

I hope this blog stirs up your definition of Faith :)

Love and Light,
Andrea

Where to begin....

Wow I havent posted since November???? Thats crazy!
I am finally moving forward I feel. I felt so stuck even when I was doing the holistic route.
For those of you who have not been in touch with me.. I also had a Modified Radical Hysterctomy Feb 8th... done by the ever amazing Dr Richard Drake. It was a rough recovery but I am doing great 2 months later.. Having patience with my body has been the hardest..I have been ready to move past all of this in every sense.. I will be getting a pet scan in May ..I was supposed to wait until June 30th but I just cant wait that long. I need something to be offical so I can really move on.
I have definately been in quite a depression...I am climbing out though and that is a great thing. I got a 10 dollar a month gym membership at Planet Fitness and I love it. I am going easy and taking baby steps. It has been a long time since working out. I am just doing the treadmill and some weights... I will get there :)
My birthday is coming up.... the 19th of May..Looking forward to celebrating with great friends. I sure have missed my peeps while I was in the South!
I am also starting to look for a job. Not sure what it will be but confident I will know it when I see it.
My hormones are leveling out due to taking some hormone replacement stuff..
I am finally smiling more, feeling so grateful for my life.
Its nice that the weather is great just in time for me to climb out of my cave!
This is going to be a great year .. I just know it!!!
I hope this finds everyone well!
Peace and Blessings!!!!!!

Gobble Gobble

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!! I know I did. I have lots to be thankful for!!

I have only 7 more external radiations to go(dec 7th is my last treatment) , one more chemo and then Brachytherapy (internal rad).
I am nearing the end and its a wonderful feeling! I have to say the beginning of treatments were probably worse than recently. I am of course very tired!! Sometimes My appetite acts funny but not normally. My bowels can be sensitive too.
I have only lost about 3 or 4 lbs,havent lost hair. Actually my gynological oncologist and radiation oncologist both said how great I look and actually that I look better now than I did at the beginning!
Pretty encouraging huh??

Yesterday at my exam radiation doc revealed my tumor is shrinking and my discharge is way less (sorry if thats TMI but you wanted to know :)
I was elated to hear this!
My family has been so amazing as well as my friends! Even when people check in here and there it brightens my day ( note: when someone you know has cancer, dont assume they just arent up for a little note to read or text or call). My mom has a friend who I dont even know has sent me a nice note every week. Very touching!
The one thing that really has helped me honestly is Reiki. I have gone to Reiki weekly and its made a huge difference. I have slacked on exercise,yoga,Qi Gong,etc.. I have had my down days but overall I trust still this is all just part of my journey. I welcome God to use this healing not only physically but spiritually and mentally. I have always loved butterflies as many of you may know..Actually recently my mother and I were looking through some old picture slides when I was a baby.. I was in my crib and there was just one little butterfly on the wall.. Its as if God was saying "See you were always ready to transform.. you just had to go through some things first"...

Grace is doing well. She is in school three days a week. Between my mom and my motherinlaw she is being taken care of when Cary has to w ork and I am not feeling well. We are blessed!! Love being back in Ohio!

Well thats a quick note as to whats going on with me!!
I hope everyone is doing well! Christmas is right around the corner!!
Happy Holidays!!

The beginning of a new turn is nearing...

Well next Tuesday starts the beginning of something I do not feel ready for..Who does right?
I start Chemo and Radiation Tuesday at 1030. I will be doing weekly chemo (cisplatin) and daily radiation (minus weekends and holidays) for 5 weeks.. I will have a weeks rest followed by internal radiation (brachytherapy). As you all know I was trying to approach this healing from a different angle.
Do I wish I would have done this sooner? Thats a loaded question- part of me does..but the other part of me does not regret all the time I took to research and figure out what was right for ME.
Some people may never understand why I waited a whole year before getting conventional treatment.

I am having a lot of emotions right now. Want to step inside my head?? Here you go::
I feel angry that I even have cancer and have to go through this.. I feel peace knowing GOd has my back and is gently carrying me and providing wisdom when I need it.
I feel anxious on how my family will deal with seeing me go through treatments.
I feel empowered that I have taken this time to know all there is to know to come to the decision when its time. I feel empowered knowing I will be better and helping others who need guidance.
I feel stressed that I have a 4 year old little girl who might have a hard time understanding that mommy might be Out of Commission for a while.
I feel anxious about how my body will react to treatment..will it hurt? Will I lose weight? What will I want to eat? How tired will I really be..I thought I was tired now???
I feel certain cancer didnt just randomly happen to me...I am to go through this with some reasons that are unknown to me right now but will reveal themselves at some later point.
I feel grateful to have the love and support that I have. I know most people dont know how or when to reach out to me .. I will say this even a text,letter or email saying that you are thinking of me goes a long way. Sometimes I feel like everyone just has their own stuff going on and I am just sitting here...alone with this cancer just wanting to get better. I know realistically the world cannot stop just because of me.. I also cant help but feel that pity sometimes :)
I am giving you a glimpse of all the things that go through my mind so you can really feel me here.
The holidays are coming up and I am not sure how I will be. I will do my best to stay positive and remember that God has BIG plans for me.. I just need to be a little patience..
Love to all and thank you for being there for me!!!!

Home is where the Heart is

hi my friends!

It has been quite some time since I wrote last..I tend to do that :)

So being back in Cleveland is great.. There are things I did not realized I missed until I came back..if that makes any sense...
I used to think the metroparks were no big deal..I took them for granted like most of you who live here do. When I was in Georgia I marveled at the vastness of the forests and privacy you could obtain rather quickly if needed. Here you cannot get too much privacy but that is part of the joy of the metropark system.
You get to see all sorts of people enjoying the same beauty you are..it creates a sense of community and connectedness.
I even miss just the overall feel of Cleveland..something I turned my nose to when being out of State.. I wonder though if I had to do that for my own sanity and so I would not miss Home. A sort of detached way of dealing.. hmm that just came to me.. ha
I even love living so close to the airport. I get to watch planes take off and land round the clock.
For some reason I find that fun..never would have before..
There are many times when I am driving and just get that overall feeling of contenment..Knowing we made the right choice to move back.
Sure I loved the South - I loved how it was weird if you ordered unsweetened tea (that gave you away that you were from the North), I loved how many trees were around everywhere, I loved how beautiful the state was in general.. I loved my own sense of Freedom.. I grew wings and I flew with them.. I now realized I can still fly even though back home...Just in a different way :)
Heck I even appreciated Lake Erie now...again not something I would have thought twice about before...I would think that it was stinky water and that is it :)
One of the best perks of being back in town is that we get to see our peeps whenever we want.
Grace gets to spend time with the grandmas which is great!

So as far as my health goes.. Here is that part of the update:
I have a consultation for the radiation next week and I am waiting for the chemo nurse from Cleveland Clinic to set me up with that class. They have been rather pokey at getting back to me but its not like I am doing nothing for myself in the meantime.
I started training with a Qi Gong Master here in Rocky River. He is amazing and I am learning a lot.
I know most of you may not know what that is so here is a def:

Qigong (also spelled Ch'i Kung) is a powerful system of healing and energy medicine from China. It is the art and science of using breathing techniques, gentle movement, and meditation to cleanse, strengthen, and circulate the life energy (qi). Qigong practice leads to better health and vitality and a tranquil state of mind. In the past, qigong was also called nei gong (inner work) and dao yin (guiding energy).

So far I have to practice daily- It will surely help me during treatments.

Thats really all for now. I am getting over a nasty cough thing. Just need to catch up on rest since the cough has kept me up for nights in a row..

I hope this finds everyone happy and healthy~!
Love
Andrea

What a Journey it is has been so far...

Today I sit here and reflect on where I was when I got diagnosed.
I was searching for something.. I did not realize until I was handed the gift of facing my own mortality that what I was seeking was well..God..
Little did I know that amazing light was always within ME.. Its always been there to comfort me since the day I was born. If I would have only known this way back when I was little..but it was not part of my journey to know that up until now. I do not think I was as grateful for things as I am right now. I know I was not as strong,humbled and at peace with things as I am now. Today I embrace that I need to TRUST in the flow of things. Even when there are things I want to control.. I know now that these things are not in my control and that is OK. I can relax more knowing God is taking care of me on my journey. I dont know what your views are on God - a lot of people just dont talk about it.. and then I say why not?
I know God exists- no matter what form that is in.... When I ask God to provide me people and things that will help me on my healing journey with cancer..guess what?? They show up!!!! The amount of times I have asked and then received has really amazed me.
I wrote this today while sitting on the rocks at Lake Erie in Avon Lake (my new peace spot!)

Sitting at Veterans Memorial Park, The water ebbing and flowing brings me so much peace. The gentle breeze on my neck feels like angel kisses. The Sun is like God's light beaming down on me.
Looking out at the vast beautiful water- my heart cries with Joy. Even though this journey has not been easy at times, the glorifying clarity and strengthening of Faith has made it more than worth it!
God has gently spoken to me over the last 9 months. My heart feels the purity of His touch. As the waves break against the rocks I sit on, I am reminded that there can be peace and stillness even when there is commotion surrounding. If we are still, God speaks to our heart.. It is whether or not we hear Him is the question.

Thank you for plugging into my story and believing in me!!!